These men have been conditioned to believe that if they are “nice,” they will be loved, get their needs met, and have a smooth life. (Location 268)
Nice Guys are manipulative. Nice Guys tend to have a hard time making their needs a priority and have difficulty asking for what they want in clear and direct ways. (Location 277)
Being integrated means being able to accept all aspects of one’s self. An integrated man is able to embrace everything that makes him unique: his power, his assertiveness, his courage, and his passion as well as his imperfections, his mistakes, and his dark side. (Location 340)
Instead, he accepts himself just as he is, warts and all. An integrated male accepts that he is perfectly imperfect. (Location 352)
Breaking free from the Nice Guy Syndrome involves a radical change in perspective and behavior. Trying to do it halfway will only result in needless suffering. (Location 441)
Why do people try to change who they really are?” (Location 465)
Whenever a child experiences any kind of abandonment he will always believe that he is the cause of what has happened to him. (Location 483)
Toxic shame is the belief that one is inherently bad, defective, different, or unlovable. (Location 502)
The progression from perfect little boy to Nice Guy basically occurs in three stages: abandonment, internalization of toxic shame, and the creation of survival mechanisms. (Location 590)
Boys were left to be raised by women. The job of turning boys into men was left to mothers and a school system dominated by women. As a result, men became comfortable being defined by women and became dependent on the approval of women. (Location 689)
Just about everything a Nice Guy does is consciously or unconsciously calculated to gain someone’s approval or to avoid disapproval. (Location 782)
Nice Guys interpret a woman’s approval as the ultimate validation of their worth. Signs of a woman’s approval can take the form of her desire to have sex, flirtatious behavior, a smile, a touch, or attentiveness. At the other end of the spectrum, if a woman is depressed, in a bad mood, or angry, Nice Guys interpret these things to mean that she is not accepting or approving of them. (Location 829)
Nice Guys have a difficult time comprehending that in general, people are not drawn to perfection in others. People are drawn to shared interests, shared problems, and an individual’s life energy. (Location 916)
It is actually a person’s rough edges and human imperfections that give others something to connect with. (Location 920)
As recovering Nice Guys begin to apply the principles described in this chapter they can embrace the reality that they are human. Like every other human, Nice Guys make mistakes, use poor judgment, and act inappropriately. Nevertheless, their humanity doesn’t make them bad or unlovable nor does it cause other people to stop loving them. (Location 1082)
When a child’s needs are not met in a timely, healthy manner, the child may come to believe he is “bad” for having needs. (Location 1115)
Trying To Appear Needless And Wantless Prevents Nice Guys From Getting Their Needs Met (Location 1123)
Beneath this facade of needlessness and wantlessness, all Nice Guys are actually extremely needy. Consequently, when they go about trying to get their needs met, Nice Guys are frequently indirect, unclear, manipulative, and controlling. (Location 1133)
Caretaking is an immature and indirect attempt to try to get one’s needs met. Caretaking always consists of two parts: Focusing on another’s problems, needs, or feelings in order to feel valuable, get one’s own needs met, or to avoid dealing with one’s own problems or feelings. (Location 1171)
For Nice Guys, having needs means being “needy,” and needy represents a one-way ticket to abandonment. (Location 1260)
Putting the self first doesn’t drive people away, it attracts them. Putting the self first is essential for getting what one wants in love and life. (Location 1278)
When putting himself first, all the information he needs to make a decision is within him: “Is this what I want? Yes. Then that’s what I’ll do.” (Location 1342)
This kind of power not only successfully deals with problems, challenges and adversity, it actually welcomes them, meets them head on, and is thankful for them. Personal power isn’t the absence of fear. Even the most powerful people have fear. Personal power is the result of feeling fear, but not giving in to the fear. (Location 1394)
Nice Guys try to control their world by creating belief systems about people and situations that are not based in reality. (Location 1452)
Feelings are an integral part of human existence. By learning the language of feelings, recovering Nice Guys can begin to let go of a lifetime of unnecessary baggage. (Location 1500)
Telling the truth is not a magic formula for having a smooth life. But living a life of integrity is actually easier than living one built around deceit and distortion. (Location 1572)
Only by asking himself what he believes is right, and then doing it, does he become a man of integrity. (Location 1580)
Do you say “yes” when you would rather say “no”? Do you agree to do something to avoid conflict? Do you avoid doing something because someone might get upset at you? Do you tolerate an intolerable situation, hoping that it will just go away? (Location 1627)
There is no “key” to a smooth life. Being “good” or doing it “right” doesn’t insulate Nice Guys from the chaotic, ever-changing realities of life. All the Nice Guy paradigm does is create wimpy men who allow bullies to kick sand in their face or shame them for loading the dishwasher “wrong.” (Location 1640)
RECLAIM YOUR MASCULINITY (Location 1648)
CONTRARY TO THE PREVAILING SENTIMENTS OF THE LAST FEW DECADES, IT IS OK TO BE A GUY. (Location 1649)
Another common trait among Nice Guys is the belief that they are different from other men. This distorted thinking usually began in childhood, when they tried to be different from their “bad” or unavailable father. (Location 1672)
As long as Nice Guys are disconnected from men or believe they are different from other men, they cut themselves off from the many positive benefits of male companionship and the power of a masculine community. (Location 1681)
Most Nice Guys believe that by repressing the darker side of their masculine energy they will win the approval of women. (Location 1693)
As Nice Guys try to avoid the dark side of their masculinity, they also repress many other aspects of this male energy force. As a result, they often lose their sexual assertiveness, competitiveness, creativity, ego, thirst for experience, boisterousness, exhibitionism, and power. (Location 1698)
This frustration is due to the reality that, in general, women view men who try to please them as weak and hold these men in contempt. Most women do not want a man who tries to please them—they want a man who knows how to please himself. Women consistently share with me that they don’t want a passive, pleasing wimp. They want a man—someone with his balls still intact. (Location 1745)
Reclaiming one’s masculinity involves:
- Connecting with other men
- Getting strong
- Finding healthy male role models
- Reexamining one’s relationship with one’s father (Location 1752)
“The best thing you can do for your relationship with your girlfriend or wife is to have male friends.” (Location 1780)
They realize that if their lives are a reaction to dad, then dad is still in control. They discover that they can be different from dad without being the opposite. (Location 1883)
All Nice Guys have worked their entire lives to become what they believe others want them to be while trying to hide their perceived flaws. The demands of intimacy represent everything Nice Guys fear most. (Location 1985)
The enmeshing Nice Guy makes his partner his emotional center. His world revolves around her. (Location 2006)
I sometimes refer to enmeshing Nice Guys as table dogs. They are like little dogs who stand beneath the table just in case a scrap happens to fall their way. (Location 2010)
If he believes he can only get his own needs met after he has met the needs of other more important people, the Nice Guy may sacrifice himself for the sake of his partner. (Location 2035)
“You mean you want me to stand up to you, dear?” “Of course I do,” she will respond. “I don’t want to be married to someone I can walk all over.” (Location 2131)
But, here’s the catch. She has to test to see if she can trust you. The first time you set a boundary with her she may react intensely. She will push against (Location 2134)
Using the second date rule, Nice Guys ask themselves, “If this behavior had occurred on the second date, would there have been a third?” (Location 2140)
they simply ask themselves, “How would a healthy male handle this situation?” (Location 2143)
Every time a Nice Guy responds to or pays attention to a behavior he would like to eliminate, he is actually reinforcing that very behavior. (Location 2209)
In dog obedience school we learned that if you want an undesirable behavior to go away, you stop paying attention to it. The same is true in relationships. (Location 2216)
I encourage recovering Nice Guys to bring their sexual shame out of the closet. I support them in talking explicitly about their sexuality. (Location 2466)
“No one was put into this world to meet your needs but you.” This is especially true with sex. (Location 2482)
As in nature, the greatest aphrodisiac is self-confidence. As recovering Nice Guys become comfortable just being themselves, they begin to look more attractive. (Location 2623)
The only thing stopping you from having the kind of life you really want is you. (Location 2824)
As long as Phil tried to do everything himself, he struggled to get what he wanted. Once he started asking for help and letting people be there for him, his life began to turn around. (Location 2906)
Accept “good enough” rather than “perfect” (Location 2960)
Everything we need is flowing by us—all we have to do is get out of the way of our own small thinking and let it come. (Location 2990)
Remove yourself from a bad situation instead of waiting for the situation to change. (Location 3009)
Don’t do anything in secret. (Location 3016)