Thinking based on “who deserves what” blocks compassionate communication. (Location 684)
Most of us grew up speaking a language that encourages us to label, compare, demand, and pronounce judgments rather than to be aware of what we are feeling and needing. (Location 685)
One form of life-alienating communication is the use of moralistic judgments that imply wrongness or badness on the part of those who don’t act in harmony with our values. (Location 699)
The Indian philosopher J. Krishnamurti once remarked that observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence. (Location 768)
Feelings were simply not considered important. What was valued was “the right way to think”—as defined by those who held positions of rank and authority. (Location 905)
I pointed out that when he followed the word feel with the word that, he was expressing an opinion but not revealing his feelings. (Location 915)
For example, in the sentence, “I feel I didn’t get a fair deal,” the words I feel could be more accurately replaced with I think. (Location 966)
No doubt there were other times, however, when we felt hurt when we thought we were being ignored, because we had wanted to be involved. Words like ignored express how we interpret others, rather than how we feel. (Location 998)
For example, if we say, “I feel good about that,” the word good could mean happy, excited, relieved, or a number of other emotions. (Location 1020)
NVC distinguishes the expression of actual feelings from words and statements that describe thoughts, assessments, and interpretations. (Location 1159)
What others do may be the stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause. (Location 1198)
Connect your feeling with your need: “I feel … because I need …” (Location 1245)
Judgments of others are alienated expressions of our own unmet needs. (Location 1258)
As is often the case, these groups were more skilled in analyzing the perceived wrongness of others than in clearly expressing their own needs. (Location 1271)
from the moment people begin talking about what they need rather than what’s wrong with one another, the possibility of finding ways to meet everybody’s needs is greatly increased. (Location 1282)
If we don’t value our needs, others may not either. (Location 1310)
When someone communicates negatively, we have four options as to how to receive the message: (1) blame ourselves, (2) blame others, (3) sense our own feelings and needs, (4) sense the feelings and needs hidden in the other person’s negative message. (Location 1385)
As soon as I opened my mouth, however, I found words tumbling out in all the ways I had been so determined to avoid! It was a painful lesson about what can happen when I only identify what I don’t want to do, without clarifying what I do want to do. (Location 1499)
we often use vague and abstract language to indicate how we want other people to feel or be without naming a concrete action they could take to reach that state. (Location 1534)
When we simply express our feelings, it may not be clear to the listener what we want them to do. (Location 1574)
To make sure the message we sent is the message that’s received, ask the listener to reflect it back. (Location 1612)
Choosing to request rather than demand does not mean we give up when someone says no to our request. It does mean that we don’t engage in persuasion until we have empathized with what’s preventing the other person from saying yes. (Location 1718)
When we give people labels, we tend to act in a way that contributes to the very behavior that concerns us, which we then view as further confirmation of our diagnosis. (Location 1745)
The objective of NVC is not to change people and their behavior in order to get our way; it is to establish relationships based on honesty and empathy that will eventually fulfill everyone’s needs. (Location 1795)
Listen to what people are needing rather than what they are thinking. (Location 1947)
After we focus our attention and hear what others are observing, feeling, and needing and what they are requesting to enrich their lives, we may wish to reflect back by paraphrasing what we have understood. (Location 1949)
Although the nurses had tried to help her with advice and reassurance, it wasn’t until her interaction with the volunteer that this woman received what she was truly needing: connection with another human being who could hear her profound despair. (Location 1986)
Yes, yes, that’s exactly it! I want him to feel comfortable talking and I want to know what he is feeling. (Location 2127)
The words good and bad are often used to describe feelings when people have yet to identify the specific emotion they are experiencing. (Location 2139)
The more we empathize with the other party, the safer we feel. (Location 2247)
Rather than put your “but” in the face of an angry person, empathize. (Location 2315)
When we listen for feelings and needs, we no longer see people as monsters. (Location 2327)
Empathize with silence by listening for the feelings and needs behind it. (Location 2396)
hear the word no without taking it as a rejection, (Location 2443)
We want to take action out of the desire to contribute to life rather than out of fear, guilt, shame, or obligation. (Location 2560)
If we review the joyless acts to which we currently subject ourselves and make the translation from “have to” to “choose to,” we will discover more play and integrity in our lives. (Location 2639)
We recall four options when hearing a difficult message: 1. Blame ourselves 2. Blame others 3. Sense our own feelings and needs 4. Sense others’ feelings and needs (Location 2759)
The more people hear blame and judgment, the more defensive and aggressive they become and the less they will care about our needs in the future. (Location 2778)
We all have physical needs: air, water, food, rest. And we have psychological needs such as understanding, support, honesty, and meaning. (Location 3034)
If we really want to be of assistance to others, the first thing to learn is to translate any message into an expression of a need. (Location 3080)
One way to determine that someone is actually listening is to have that person reflect back what had been said: (Location 3178)
helps us understand the other person’s needs: When they say “no,” they’re saying they have a need that keeps them from saying “yes” to what we are asking. (Location 3199)
No matter what else is going on, we all have the same needs. Needs are universal. (Location 3260)
If a worker’s performance is prompted by fear of punishment, the job gets done, but morale suffers; sooner or later, productivity will decrease. (Location 3403)
Blaming and punishing fail to contribute to the motivations we would like to inspire in others. (Location 3500)
Depression is indicative of a state of alienation from our own needs. (Location 3529)
We tend to notice what’s wrong rather than what’s right. (Location 3811)
Too often I had assumed that others knew the intensity of my appreciation for them, only to discover otherwise. (Location 3831)
While we may not consider the way we talk to be “violent,” words often lead to hurt and pain, whether for others or ourselves. (Location 371)
First, we observe what is actually happening in a situation: what are we observing others saying or doing that is either enriching or not enriching our life? The trick is to be able to articulate this observation without introducing any judgment or evaluation—to simply say what people are doing that we either like or don’t like. Next, we state how we feel when we observe this action: are we hurt, scared, joyful, amused, irritated? And thirdly, we say what needs of ours are connected to the feelings we have identified. (Location 424)
I didn’t agree or disagree. I received his words, not as attacks, but as gifts from a fellow human willing to share his soul and deep vulnerabilities with me. (Location 547)
Blame, insults, put-downs, labels, criticism, comparisons, and diagnoses are all forms of judgment. (Location 562)
Analyses of others are actually expressions of our own needs and values. (Location 578)
We make moralistic judgments of people and behaviors that fail to support our value judgments; for example, “Violence is bad. People who kill others are evil.” (Location 589)
We deny responsibility for our actions when we attribute their cause to factors outside ourselves: (Location 633)
Communicating our desires as demands is yet another form of language that blocks compassion. (Location 669)
But what keeps me in the struggle are the close connections to other people that happen when I do stay with the process. (Location 852)
NVC heightens our awareness that what others say and do may be the stimulus, but never the cause, of our feelings. (Location 1195)
I suggested that they might have received a more cooperative response if they had expressed what they did, rather than what they did not, want. (Location 1508)
My theory is that we get depressed because we’re not getting what we want, and we’re not getting what we want because we have never been taught to get what we want. Instead, we’ve been taught to be good little boys and girls and good mothers and fathers. If we’re going to be one of those good things, better get used to being depressed. Depression is the reward we get for being “good.” But, if you want to feel better, I’d like you to clarify what you would like people to do to make life more wonderful for you. (Location 1547)
My belief is that, whenever we say something to another person, we are requesting something in return. It may simply be an empathic connection (Location 1599)
Our requests are received as demands when others believe they will be blamed or punished if they do not comply. (Location 1682)
When people hear a demand, they see only two options: submission or rebellion. (Location 1682)
Behind intimidating messages are merely people appealing to us to meet their needs. A difficult message becomes an opportunity to enrich someone’s life. (Location 2018)