elephant in theroom, n. An important issue that people are reluctant to acknowledge or address; a social taboo. elephant in thebrain, n. An important but unacknowledged feature of how our minds work; an introspective taboo. (Location 126)
First, we’re suggesting that key human behaviors are often driven by multiple motives—even behaviors that seem pretty single-minded, like giving and receiving medical care. (Location 162)
Then he read Hierarchy in the Forest by anthropologist Christopher Boehm, a book that analyzes human societies with the same concepts used to analyze chimpanzee communities. (Location 169)
Note: Maybe a good sociology book?
Here is the thesis we’ll be exploring in this book: We, human beings, are a species that’s not only capable of acting on hidden motives—we’re designed to do it. (Location 191)
It’s only by confronting the elephant, then, that we can begin to see what’s really going on. (Location 198)
Note: So you need to acknoledge the mptives
The point is, we act on hidden motives together, in public, just as often as we do by ourselves, in private. And when enough of our hidden motives harmonize, we end up constructing stable, long-lived institutions—like schools, hospitals, churches, and democracies—that are designed, at least partially, to accommodate such motives. (Location 270)
Note: So schools is this becuse ourptives
Consider how some ideas are more naturally viral than others. When a theory emphasizes altruism, cooperation, and other feel-good motives, for example, people naturally want to share it, (Location 327)
Note: We only tell the good things?
PART I Why We Hide Our Motives (Location 349)
Animal Behavior (Location 351)
Individual primates can (and do) groom themselves, but they can only effectively groom about half their bodies. They can’t easily groom their own backs, faces, and heads. So to keep their entire bodies clean, they need a little help from their friends.1 This is called social grooming. (Location 363)
Note: Maybe we all need eacs other to maontin lofe
as camouflage is useful when facing an adversary (Location 465)
hind legs, we dance and sing like nobody’s business. We (Location 478)
PARABLE OF THE REDWOODS (Location 520)
Thus the redwood is locked in an evolutionary arms race—or in this case, a “height race”—with itself. It grows tall because other redwoods are tall, and if it doesn’t throw most of its effort into growing upward as fast as possible, it will literally wither and die in the shadows of its rivals. (Location 534)
Note: We bave to compite with each other to grow
Now consider the human being. Like the redwood, our species has a distinctive feature: a huge brain. But if we think of Homo sapiens like the lone redwood in the open meadow, towering in intelligence over an otherwise brain-dead field, then we’re liable to be puzzled. As shown in Figure 3, such intelligence would seem out of place, uncanny, unnecessary. (Location 541)
But of course, that’s not the right way to think about it. We didn’t evolve in the meadow (metaphorically speaking); we evolved in the dense forest. And like the redwood, we weren’t competing primarily against other species, but against ourselves, (Location 546)
20 to 50 individuals. These bands were our “groves” or “forests,” in which we competed not for sunlight, but for resources more befitting a primate: food, sex, territory, social status. (Location 552)
SEX (Location 571)
Yes, it’s important not to get eaten by tigers. But consider that every creature alive today is the final link in an unbroken chain of ancestors who managed to reproduce—and (Location 572)
Note: Only those survive who have sex
Every woman who wants to (monogamously) mate with a high-quality man has to compete with all the other women, while every man who wants to mate with a woman has to be chosen by her, ahead of all his rivals. (Location 587)
SOCIAL STATUS (Location 597)
social status among humans actually comes in two flavors: dominance and prestige.12 Dominance is the kind of status we get from being able to intimidate others (think Joseph Stalin), (Location 601)
Prestige, however, is the kind of status we get from being an impressive human specimen (think Meryl Streep), and it’s governed by admiration and other approach instincts. (Location 603)
Prestige, meanwhile, seems much less competitive, at least on the surface.15 It’s all about respect, which can’t be taken by force, but rather must be freely conferred by admirers. (Location 612)
Note: Have to earn it to get prestige
We earn prestige not just by being rich, beautiful, and good at sports, but also by being funny, artistic, smart, well-spoken, charming, and kind. (Location 615)
supply and demand. We all have a similar (and highly (Location 620)
POLITICS (Location 628)
In other words, if you’re a male chimp in a community with other males, it’s not enough simply to be strong or even the strongest. You also need to gang up with a team of other strong males. You need the ability to identify, attract, and retain good allies, and you need to be savvy enough to navigate the tumult as coalitions form, dissolve, and clash all around you. (Location 644)
Note: Charming is not enpugh. You need social groups around you
In government, coalitions appear as interest groups and political parties; in business, they are teams, companies, guilds, and trade associations. In high school, coalitions are called cliques or friends. On the street and in prison, they’re called gangs. (Location 653)
Note: So little chidren do politics
Whenever we anguish over the guest list for a party, we’re playing politics. Whenever we join a church because we feel welcome there, or leave a job that isn’t rewarding enough, we’re following our political instincts. Finding and joining teams, dealing with the attendant headaches, and leaving them when necessary are behaviors that come as readily to us as pack-hunting to a wolf. (Location 657)
Note: So that is wht politics is
The other important similarity is that each game requires two complementary skill sets: the ability to evaluate potential partners and the ability to attract good partners. In sex, the partners we’re looking for are mates. In social status, we’re looking for friends and associates. And in politics, we’re looking for allies, people to team up with. (Location 686)
“Actions speak louder than words.” (Location 717)
Loyal friends can distinguish themselves from fair-weather friends by visiting you in the hospital, for example. Healthy mates can distinguish themselves from unhealthy ones by going to the gym or running a marathon. (Location 721)
3 Norms (Location 756)
For sociologists and anthropologists, conventions like queueing are known as norms. They’re the rules or standards about how members of a community should behave. (Location 775)
Note: What of someone brake these norms?awkvaard
But most norms—especially of the bottom-up, grassroots variety—are beneficial; they’re one of the main ways we suppress competition and promote cooperation. In other words, we hold ourselves back, collectively, for our own good. (Location 782)
OUR FORAGER ANCESTORS (Location 803)
If you refrain from hitting people because you’re afraid they’ll hit you back, that’s not a norm. If you’re afraid of speaking out against a dangerous regime because you’re worried about retaliation from the regime itself, that’s not a norm. But if you’re worried that your neighbors might disapprove and even coordinate to punish you, then you’re most likely dealing with a norm. It’s this third-party, collective enforcement that’s unique to humans. (Location 867)
Note: So a orm alwys include third party
least two other tricks up our sleeves to incentivize (Location 907)
GOSSIP AND REPUTATION (Location 908)
Bragging (Location 958)
bristle when people get too full of themselves. It’s part of that forager aversion to dominance, since bragging is a way to increase one’s influence and dominance within a community. (Location 961)
Selfish Motives (Location 984)
Consider how awkward it is to answer certain questions by appealing to selfish motives. Why did you break up with your girlfriend? “I’m hoping to find someone better.” Why do you want to be a doctor? “It’s a prestigious job with great pay.” (Location 986)
4 Cheating Everybody cheats. (Location 1000)
Common knowledge is the difference between privately telling an individual and making a big public announcement; between a lesbian who’s still in the closet (although everyone suspects her of being a lesbian), and one who’s fully open about her sexuality; (Location 1070)
Note: So common knowledge os what everybody openly kmow and can see (whisky bottle)
Common knowledge is information that’s fully “on the record,” available for everyone to see and discuss openly. (Location 1073)
In general, it’s much easier for firsthand witnesses to detect a crime than to convince others who are far removed. (Location 1105)
Pretexts are a broad and useful tool for getting away with norm violations. (Location 1124)
Pretexts abound in human social life. Smoke shops sell drug para- phernalia—pipes, bongs, vaporizers—as devices for “smoking tobacco.” Executives “voluntarily” step down to “spend more time with family.” When a hotel invites its guests to “consider the environment” before leaving their used towels out to be washed, its primary concern isn’t the environment but its bottom line. (Location 1127)
Note: Preteeext is everywhere. Thtts how you can get away with stuff
As a rule of thumb, whenever communication is discreet—subtle, cryptic, or ambiguous—it’s a fair bet that the speaker is trying to get away with something (Location 1145)
Examples include • Body language. (Location 1147)
• Cryptic communication. (Location 1151)
This is one reason we develop and use so much slang for bad, questionable, or illegal behavior. Terms like “hooking up” (sex), “420” (marijuana), (Location 1152)
• Informal speech. In general, the more formal your speech, the more the message is quotable and “on the record.” And vice versa: less formal speech is typically “off the record.” (Location 1162)
#humblebrag. We show off our bodies by wearing flattering clothes. Or we let others boast on our behalves, as when we’re being introduced as speakers. (Location 1208)
5 Self-Deception (Location 1221)
Faced with the translucency of our own minds, then, self-deception is often the most robust way to mislead others. It’s not technically a lie (because it’s not conscious or deliberate), but it has a similar effect. “We hide reality from our conscious minds,” (Location 1367)
Note: If you believe ot. Others wil too
SELF-DECEPTION IN PRACTICE (Location 1380)
The Madman (Location 1382)
Because of this, athletes conceal (negative) information about [themselves] to competitors. If you show any “signs of weakness,” the opponent will see a chance for success and will be more willing to keep spending energy. (Location 1389)
Note: Fake it til you make it
The Loyalist (Location 1398)
Likewise, it’s not “loyal” for a man to stay with his girlfriend if he has no other prospects. These attachments take on the color of loyalty only when someone remains committed despite a strong temptation to defect. Similarly, it doesn’t demonstrate loyalty to believe the truth, which we have every incentive to believe anyway. It only demonstrates loyalty to believe something that we wouldn’t have reason to believe unless we were loyal. (Location 1408)
Note: You ony loyal of you chose somebody when you woud have many other optipns. Not if thts your only optipn
The Cheerleader (Location 1418)
self-deception is a form of propaganda. As Kurzban (Location 1420)
The goal of cheerleading, then, is to change other people’s beliefs. And the more fervently we believe something, the easier it is to convince others that it’s true. The politician who’s confident she’s going to win no matter what will have an easier time rallying supporters than one who projects a more honest assessment of her chances. (Location 1422)
The Cheater (Location 1432)
Similarly, being friendly is generally considered to be a good thing, but being friendly with romantic intentions is flirting, which is often inappropriate. (Location 1436)
Other minor sins that hinge on intent include bragging, showing off, sucking up, lying, and playing politics, as well as selfish behavior in general. (Location 1437)
Note: Rossz szndek az csalas
We might be hoping to intimidate them (like the Madman), earn their trust (like the Loyalist), change their beliefs (like the Cheerleader), or throw them off our trail (like the Cheater). (Location 1445)
6 Counterfeit Reasons (Location 1524)
“A man always has two reasons for doing anything: a good reason and the real reason.”—J. P. Morgan (Location 1527)
In this chapter, we turn our attention to one particular type of self-deception: the fact that we’re strategically ignorant about our own motives. In other words, we don’t always know the “whys” behind our own behavior. But as we’ll see, we certainly pretend to know. (Location 1539)
Note: Less eq?
The first is that each hemisphere processes signals from the opposite side of the body. So the left hemisphere controls the right side of the body (the right arm, leg, hand, and everything else), while the right hemisphere controls the left side of the body. (Location 1552)
RATIONALIZATION (Location 1582)
What these studies demonstrate is just how effortlessly the brain can rationalize its behavior. (Location 1583)
Note: We make up a story to be logical
When others ask us to give reasons for our behavior, they’re asking about our true, underlying motives. So when we rationalize or confabulate, we’re handing out counterfeit reasons (Location 1591)
Why did you vote for Barack Obama? Why are you a Christian? Each of these questions demands a reason, and in most cases we dutifully oblige. But how many of our explanations are legitimate, and how many are counterfeit? Just how pervasive is our tendency to rationalize? (Location 1611)
Box 6: “Press Secretary” When we capitalize “Press Secretary,” we’re referring to the brain module responsible for explaining our actions, typically to third parties. (Location 1628)
Above all, it’s the job of our brain’s Press Secretary to avoid acknowledging our darker motives—to tiptoe around the elephant in the brain. (Location 1657)
“You are not the king of your brain,” says Steven Kaas. “You are the creepy guy standing next to the king going, ‘A most judicious choice, sire.’ “ (Location 1669)
In each case, the Press Secretary makes up reasons it thinks are legitimate: “Oh, this wine is a lot sweeter,” or “These pantyhose are so smooth.” But since the products are identical, we know the reasons must be rationalizations. (Location 1712)
The point is, we have many reasons for our behaviors, but we habitually accentuate and exaggerate our pretty, prosocial motives and downplay our ugly, selfish ones. (Location 1776)
Note: We wnt to look gopd in others eyes
PART II Hidden Motives in Everyday Life (Location 1805)
7 Body Language (Location 1807)
humans are strategically blind to body language because it often betrays our ugly, selfish, competitive motives. To acknowledge the signals sent by our bodies “feels dangerous to some people,” (Location 1855)
8 Laughter (Location 2120)
Even infants born blind and deaf, who can’t copy behaviors from their parents or siblings, instinctively know how to laugh. (Location 2128)
each culture develops its own distinct language and singing style, laughter sounds pretty much the same in every remote village and bursting metropolis on the planet. As they say, it needs no translation. (Location 2129)
the characters joke about whether enough time has passed for AIDS to be considered funny.46 Or as Carol Burnett said, “Comedy is tragedy plus time.” (Location 2383)
When a friend spills wine on her shirt, we want to laugh, ideally, only after she’s given us the “all clear” by laughing herself. (Location 2411)
As Oscar Wilde said,54 “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh; otherwise they’ll kill you.” (Location 2471)
9 Conversation (Location 2473)
In order to have interesting things to say during a conversation, we need to spend a lot of time and energy foraging for information before the conversation. (Location 2525)
100? There’s no way to tell. More to the point, however, is the fact that we don’t actually seem to keep track of conversational debts. We don’t resent our friends who are quieter than average, for example. (Location 2545)
The takeaway from all these observations is that our species seems, somehow, to derive more benefit from speaking than from listening. (Location 2566)
In this way, tool-sharing between backpacks works like information-sharing between brains: you can give something away without losing it for yourself. (Location 2599)
Speakers are eager to impress listeners by saying new and useful things, but the facts themselves can be secondary. Instead, it’s more important for speakers to demonstrate that they have abilities that are attractive in an ally. In other words, speakers are eager to show off their backpacks. (Location 2610)
Conversation, therefore, looks on the surface like an exercise in sharing information, but subtextually, it’s a way for speakers to show off their wit, perception, status, and intelligence, and (at the same time) for listeners to find speakers they want to team up with. These are two of our biggest hidden motives in conversation. (Location 2628)
Note: So to show nd to judge
An AC/DC T-shirt says, “I’m aligned with fans of hard rock (and the countercultural values it stands for).” These products function as badges of social membership. (Location 2865)
Buying experiences also allows us to demonstrate qualities that we can’t signal as easily with material goods, such as having a sense of adventure or being open to new experiences. (Location 2884)
A 22-year-old woman who spends six months backpacking across Asia sends a powerful message about her curiosity, open-mindedness, and even courage. Similar (if weaker) signals can be bought for less time and money simply by eating strange foods, watching foreign films, and reading widely. (Location 2885)
Note: So I want to be different to feel special?
Peer pressure is a powerful force, and advertisers know how to harness it to their advantage. (Location 3050)
Instead, by creating associations that exist out in the broader culture—not just in our own heads, but in the heads of third parties—ads turn products into a vocabulary that we use to express ourselves and signal our good traits. (Location 3103)
Note: Szoval ha kozos hiedelem lesz a termek akkor jol lehet eladni. H csa te tudod hogy jo ne szamit
11 Art (Location 3105)
“the fundamental challenge facing artists is to demonstrate their fitness by making something that lower-fitness competitors could not make, thus proving themselves more socially and sexually attractive.” (Location 3289)
“I’m so confident in my survival that I can afford to waste time and energy.” The waste is important. It’s only by doing something that serves no concrete survival (Location 3380)
13 Education (Location 3794)
In other words, educated workers are generally better workers, but not necessarily because school made them better. Instead, a lot of the value of education lies in giving students a chance to advertise the attractive qualities they already have. (Location 3917)
The traditional view of education is that it raises a student’s value via improvement—by taking in rough, raw material and making it more attractive by reshaping and polishing it. The signaling model says that education raises a student’s value via certification—by taking an unknown specimen, subjecting it to tests and measurements, and then issuing a grade that makes its value clear to buyers. (Location 3923)
For example, an enterprising young man could drop out of school and work an entry-level job for a few years, kind of like an apprenticeship. If he’s smart and diligent, he could conceivably get promoted to the same level he would have been hired at if he’d taken the time to finish his degree—and meanwhile, he’d be making a salary instead of studying and doing homework for free. (Location 3972)
Note: Learn trpugh practise. I love it
In light of this, consider how an industrial-era school system prepares us for the modern workplace. Children are expected to sit still for hours upon hours; to control their impulses; to focus on boring, repetitive tasks; to move from place to place when a bell rings; and even to ask permission before going to the bathroom (think about that for a second). Teachers systematically reward children for being docile and punish them for “acting out,” that is, for acting as their own masters. In fact, teachers reward discipline independent of its influence on learning, and in ways that tamp down on student creativity. (Location 4038)
Note: They Teach us to be good nd docile wprkers
The reluctance of unschooled workers to follow orders has taken many forms. For example, workers won’t show up for work reliably on time, or they have problematic superstitions, or they prefer to get job instructions via indirect hints instead of direct orders, or they won’t accept tasks and roles that conflict with their culturally assigned relative status with coworkers, or they won’t accept being told to do tasks differently than they had done them before. (Location 4058)
Note: Maybe tht is our natural behavior
egalitarians, and prefer to divide things up equally, by (Location 4063)
So it’s a mixed bag. Schools help prepare us for the modern workplace and perhaps for society at large. But in order to do that, they have to break our forager spirits and train us to submit to our place in a modern hierarchy. And while there are many social and economic benefits to this enterprise, one of the first casualties is learning.37 As Albert Einstein lamented, “It is . . . nothing short of a miracle that modern methods of instruction have not yet entirely strangled the holy curiosity of inquiry.” (Location 4072)
14 Medicine (Location 4077)
“I’ll help you this time if you’ll help me when the tables are turned.” But providing support is also an advertisement to third parties: “See how I help my friends when they’re down? If you’re my friend, I’ll do the same for you.” (Location 4140)
15 Religion (Location 4415)
We believe in God, therefore we go to church. We’re scared of Hell, therefore we pray.8 All that would be left to explain, then, is where the beliefs come from.9 Let’s call this the belief-first model of religious behavior, as in Figure (Location 4464)
The answer given by most serious scholars of religion is community. Or to give it the emphasis it deserves: Community, community, community! (Location 4520)
religious communities do frequently punish transgressors, (Location 4612)
Christians who swear on the Bible are less likely to perjure (Location 4695)
As we’ve pointed out in previous chapters (particularly Chapter 5 on self-deception), the value of holding certain beliefs comes not from acting on them, but from convincing others that you believe them. This is especially true of religious beliefs. (Location 4699)
16 Politics (Location 4780)
“politics” to refer to small-scale “coalition politics,” like the kind of maneuvering that takes place in a band of hunter-gatherers or a modern workplace. In such situations, rival coalitions compete for control, and individuals seek to ally themselves with powerful coalitions (or at least avoid visibly opposing them). And since this often involves unsavory tactics like bootlicking, backstabbing, and rumor-mongering, we try hard not to appear as if we’re “playing politics”—though (Location 4782)
altruism.”6 Remember the Arabian babblers (Location 5243)
We should take a similar approach when reforming a preexisting institution by first asking ourselves, “What are this institution’s hidden functions, and how important are they?” Take education, for example. We may wish for schools that focus more on teaching than on testing. And yet, some amount of testing is vital to the economy, since employers need to know which workers to hire. So if we tried to cut too much from school’s testing function, we could be blindsided by resistance we don’t understand—because those who resist may not tell us the real reasons for their opposition. It’s only by understanding where the resistance is coming from that we have any hope of overcoming it. (Location 5265)